"Screwing Oil"

A prime time soap written by yours truly:

"Screwing Oil"
My attempt at reviving a lost art form. The prime time soap opera. Submitted for your approval and perusal is my teleplay for "Screwing Oil."

Fade in: We see the palatial Southfock Ranch deep in the heart of Malice, Texas. It's the biggest spread in the U.S. Horses and cows graze in the pasture. Two men are talking on the veranda, a mint julip in their hands: "Fock Screwing," the patriarch and oil baron, and "V.C. Screwing," Fock's oldest son.

Fock: These mint julips are good, V.C. And life is good.

V.C. Whadda ya mean, daddy?

Fock: Well, George W. done won the election. And the Republicans now control the legislative branch of the government.

V.C. : Higher gas prices at the pump, daddy, and we make more money, eh?

Fock: Exactly. Now where's that tramp of yours you call a wife?

V.C. "Vous Felon" [ Screwing ] is upstairs. Damn french hussy has a hangover. Again!

Fock: Same old "Vous Felon." Look, I got to be out to the North Forty by noon. I'm taking "Maynard G. Krebbs" [ ranch foreman ] with me. Have you heard from "Fobby-O?" [ V.C.'s younger brother ]

V.C.: That goody two shoes brother of mine. I run "Screwing Oil" but "Fobby-O" is always buttin' in on my affairs. I've tried to buy out his half of the company but he won't budge.

Fock: Work it out, son. Tell "Miss Smelly" [ his wife ] I may be late for supper.

Fock leaves. V.C. reflects while downing the last of his mint julip. A car pulls up to Southfock Ranch. Out steps "Fobby-O" and his wife, "Spamala Tarnes -Screwing." Heated exchanges are ensuing:

Fobby-O: I did not sleep with her. Spam, I'm in love with you. Quit listening to "Sushi Screwing." [ Fock's niece and general harlot ]

Spam: I hired a detective to follow you. He's got pictures of your rendevous' with "Henna Laid." [ another woman of loose morals to be played by Priscilla Pressly ]

Fobby-O: It's over, Spam. She didn't mean anything to me. I love you!

V.C. enters

V.C.: I couldn't help but overhear. Now you love birds settle your differences, ya heah? We can hash this out later. It's a time for celebration cos George W. done won the election. Yee hah!

Spam: Leave us alone, V.C. I don't want any part of your scheming. I'll never forget how you caused "Vous Felon" to drink too much and have her baby prematurely. And how you made me fall out of the hay loft, while I was pregnant- first tri-mester. I hate you! I swear it wouldn't take much more for me to kill you.

V.C.: Spam, shut up! You wench! Now, "Fobby-O." Get that sheep-eating grin offa your face. I want to buy out your half of "Screwing Oil." Get your attorneys heah, stat.

Fobby-O: I'll never sell to you, V.C. I'll see you in hell first.

A limo pulls up to the Southfock Ranch. It's '"Whiff' Tarnes," Spam's brother, and the head of Tarnes Oil, the chief rival and nemisis to Screwing Oil.

V.C.: What in tarnation brings a Tarnes to Southfrock? Where's my gun?

"Whiff": V.C. You paid those lobbyists to ruin "Tarnes Oil." Don't try and blackmail me-I don't pay blackmail. If "Tarnes Oil" goes down, I'll kill you. ( brandishes a 44 and points it directly at V.C. )

V.C.: Put that gun away, "Whiff." And get ta hell out of my house!

"Whiff": I'm leaving. But I'm warning you. Don't mess with me, "V.C. Screwing."

"Vous Felon" enters the fray. She has bloodshot eyes, under which are dark circles, and is drinking from a bottle of fine Tequila.

Vous: What's the fuss all about?

V.C.: You drunken piece of trailer trash. Now git upstairs and get yourself together. Y'heah!

Vous: V.C., I hate you! I once loved you when I was a foreign exchange student. But not now. I want a divorce!

V.C.: No "Screwing" ever had a divorce and no "Screwing" ever will.

V.C. retires to his study. And places a call to his high-class whore, the enchanting "Disten Schleppeard."

V.C.: Hello, darling. I want to see you. Stat!

Disten: Well, well. If it isn't my Malice, Texas oil baron. It's been awhile. Long time no see.

V.C.: I'm sorry, darling. The election for George W. and all. But now he's elected, I got more time for fun things. I'll see you at eight.

Disten: I'm having your baby, V.C. I want you to marry me and divorce "Vous Felon."

V.C.: How do you know it's mine? I can't marry you anyway, Sugar. Divorce is not an option. Y'heah?

Disten: Marry me, V.C. Or I will kill you.

Laughing, V.C. hangs up the phone. The next evening he is working late at his Screwing Oil Office. He hears strange sounds coming from the reception area. He goes to investigate.

V.C.: Who's there? Who is it? Is that you, "Sushi Screwing?"

A gun emerges from the shadows. A shot rings out. Then another. Both find their mark, hitting V.C. in the chest. He falls to the floor. Hunched over. The shadowy figure is obscurred from the audience's view.

to be continued..............................................................................................

Farewell and adieu, v.c.

P.S. This is what's known in the trade as a cliff hanger.